When I promised to love my husband in sickness and in health I never envisaged a scenario where his health would require me to remain at home, taking indefinite leave from a 'key worker' position which will in all likelihood span for longer than the twelve weeks initially proposed. Don't think for a minute I am rethinking my wedding vows or considering my position to be unique. I fully appreciate that everyone is in the same boat. But there are times where I feel somewhat trapped. I am taking care of three people on my own, while learning to depend on others for needs that would otherwise require me to step into the outside world. And it's hard.
While on the whole my outlook on life is improving and I am adapting to the situation at hand, there are days where I feel completely drained. I am pouring out so much of myself that sometimes by evening I am empty. I don't see those days coming. They tend to creep up on me when I dare to believe I've finally got the upper hand, and they come in an onslaught with any additional pressures, even joyful ones.
Trying to coordinate Easter and Ever's fourth birthday on top of my current caring duties was almost too much. Although I prepared in advance I didn't anticipate how overwhelming the day itself would be with two excitable children, a full itinerary with little resting time, a lot of clearing up to do and no one to help. Is it really any wonder that, while I made it through the day, I feel so empty this evening on supposedly the most joyful day in the Christian calendar. I know I will get through and tomorrow will surely be brighter, but for now all I can do is cry out Hosanna! Lord, save us!
